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A Mother’s View

It still feels like yesterday (literally). My daughter called that night, talked about a few odds and ends, working up the courage, and taking lots of deep breaths to tell me something. I knew something was up, but had NO IDEA!

When she managed to tell me that for her Senior Project she was going to a third world country, the bottom dropped out. When she was little I could send her to her room.........just tell her "no"........and that was that. Now what... I was angry, terrified, couldn't breathe, and grasping for some kind of control.

I was angry at her for doing this to me, and, angry at me for not being able at that moment to give her what I knew she needed........support. I remember telling her I couldn't say what she wanted to hear. "I'm listening to my little curly headed girl tell me she is going to walk up to the gates of hell and jump in." I threw everything into the ring I could to stop her. It was a horribly hard night (and weeks to follow) for both of us.

She knew this was what she wanted and had never really jumped into anything without giving it good consideration. Here she was having to deal with going against me, or giving up something that meant more to her than I could see at the time.

I spent a lot of time thinking about it and realized that I had spent all of her years telling her "you can do whatever you want to do", "it's YOUR life, make your own decisions”, “think for yourself". It was time to fish or cut bait. I either meant it or I didn't.

It took time to deal with where she was going. We agreed to disagree and didn't talk about it much for a while. I regret that gap in time and wish I could go back and change it, but it took time for me to find a way through it, and sort myself out. I was blown away with the way she handled everything that needed to be done for her trip. She paid for it, dealt with passport, shots, sublet her apartment, lined up tickets, travel to and from various airports, summer Co-op job, living arrangements in an area she had never been before, and more.

We had some talks before she left and I let her know that I was proud of her for sticking with what she wanted to do. We have been through a lot together, and have seen each other through lots of rough spots. I realized what a huge load she was carrying alone and it hit me right between the eyes. I made sure she knew that my reaction was because I loved her and was scared of something happening to her. You want to protect your kids and keep them safe. But you can cripple them at the same time. She is strong willed and I didn't want to lose her, or what we had.

I realized she must be scared and might want to talk about her trip. I wanted her to go knowing that her family, while worried about her, was behind her all the way and we loved her. It really was HER life, not mine. This was not my call and I needed to give her all the support I could.

It was not a curly headed little girl going.  It was a fully grown young woman who had been on her own through three years of college without me there to try and hold her hand.  

She went on the trip and I am so thankful she had the moxy to stick with it and go, because it meant more to her than I could ever even really understand.  This has definitely changed her life in a positive way.  She had always been capable but this was "HERS" and no one else’s.  She is developing her own world and the worst thing I can see that could happen is to get to be 85 years old, look back and be able to say, God, if only I had............  

When I look at her now, I don't see just my daughter......I see a level-headed, capable, woman.